ive been totally despondent all day. i have no energy, and no appetite. its like i’ve already restarted the Interferon. Like this is some kind of psychosomatic preview. I have shuffled around the house trying to figure out what i can bare eating.
i cried hard today. for the first time in a long time.
i realized that i’ve been here in portland for a month. time just slips by when you are sick. such a strange thing. i’ve never experienced this until the last 6 months. Its been six months! half a year already. that is so amazing. so awful (& awe-ful.)
writing it down helps get it out and away.
my parents dont know what to do w/ me. they keep suggesting these things to do. go to Multnomah Falls. go for a bike ride. go for a walk. but i feel so awful. i know that getting out and doing something will probably make me feel better. but the thought of it also makes me totally revolted. what a mess
its going to suck again, but i can’t wait for the Interferon on monday, so i can just get this over with
my mom brought me some chicken soup, which seems to be the only thing i can eat when i get like this. mom’s homemade chicken soup. so cliche. but it works. feeling a little bit better.
i can’t wait to be done with this and back in my normal life.
ADDENDUM
(photo CC-BY-SA from Flickr by 80sAustin)
I spent an hour+ meditating, which helped. I don’t really understand why it works, but it does. It calms me down. Gives me a structure to feel my emotions, cry where needed, etc.
Then, as per O’s suggestion (re: my observation) I took the novelty approach, and walked somewhere I had never walked before. Kind of. I walked down the Marquam Trail towards downtown. We used to walk down this trail when I was little, and I used to run it in high school, but I haven’t walked it in at least 10 years. The trees were so huge… It was amazing to be in the woods right in the middle of the city. I grew up in it, but I clearly had forgotten. It is nothing like Central or Prospect park, which are so manicured. And also so full of people. I didn’t see anyone the whole time. Though I heard a little brook gurgle. And lots of birds.
When i got to the bottom, I called my mother for a ride back up the hill.
Walking down was hard, physically. Which was emotionally invigorating. But also broke me down enough that I had to stop several times to cry. I wonder if I am reverting to the state I was in when I first found out and all I did was cry. I would sit down on the subway, and just start crying. I hope not. At least I can cound on the Interferon to blunt all emotion.  I know, I know, that is a totally fucked up concept.