Mom read the last post and sent this:
just wanted you to know
yeah, I read the blog
and yeah, I’ll always be your mom
you just ran a triatholon
a full one
with no training
you are going to be ok
yes, you need to re adjust your expectations of normal
the new normal, remember
YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK
and yes, you are jet lagged as well
and yes, you are coming off big time drugs
remember Jr year in college?
I love you
Just for background, Junior year in college I was addicted to caffeine and worked myself to exhaustion, and spent a week in the hospital. It was pretty bad. I had to go home for a month to recover after I was let out of the hospital. I couldn’t even fly for a week or so after I got out, I was so wrecked. Anyway… I guess that is perfect segue.
Last night I had a pretty solid freak out about feeling overwhelmed. I was watching Stephen Colber w/ O and I got a jarring phone call about logistics from one of my assistants. The news wasn’t really that bad, it just foregrounded the extent to which I was kind of all over the place. And then I panicked and really freaked out. I started thinking about all the things I need to do. All the places I’m supposed to be. And like Jennings’ post, I felt like everything was moving past me so fast, and I could not hold on to anything.
O and I talked about it a bit. I explained all the things I was supposed to be doing the next day. And she told me that I shouldn’t. And I protested. Even though I knew she was right. I just couldn’t see how I could just say no. Or not do things. In this case, it was a conflict between my weekly pyschologist appointment, and a five hour long meeting at the studio that I found out about two days earlier. I rearranged my whole schedule around it, but then realized I created a conflict w/ my psychologist. I tried to call and cancel yesterday day, but got a busy signal both times. I should have known it was a sign that I shouldn’t cancel…
O wrote an email for me, backing out of the meeting at the studio. It was almost impossible for me to send the email. O had to write and send it. I am so afraid of backing out of responsibilities. No one wrote me back to reprimand me. No one wrote me back at all. Maybe they expressed their anger at me privately. Or maybe they weren’t angry at all. Maybe I am just afraid of their anger… I came for the last hour of the meeting. Everything had gone fine without me. I contributed some in the last hour. My presence was helpful, but not essential. My absence did not derail the whole process. It was kind of amazing to me. And I don’t mean that in some self-centered way. I mean that I just feel so obligated to do what is asked of me, that I find it almost impossible to say no.
So it was a good lesson, I suppose.
I am trying really hard to learn from it.
I have said no twice today. I sent them to other people for help. It was good. And each case, the person wrote me back to say that it had worked out.