ive been totally despondent all day. i have no energy, and no appetite. its like i’ve already restarted the Interferon. Like this is some kind of psychosomatic preview. I have shuffled around the house trying to figure out what i can bare eating.
i cried hard today. for the first time in a long time.
i realized that i’ve been here in portland for a month. time just slips by when you are sick. such a strange thing. i’ve never experienced this until the last 6 months. Its been six months! half a year already. that is so amazing. so awful (& awe-ful.)
writing it down helps get it out and away.
my parents dont know what to do w/ me. they keep suggesting these things to do. go to Multnomah Falls. go for a bike ride. go for a walk. but i feel so awful. i know that getting out and doing something will probably make me feel better. but the thought of it also makes me totally revolted. what a mess
its going to suck again, but i can’t wait for the Interferon on monday, so i can just get this over with
my mom brought me some chicken soup, which seems to be the only thing i can eat when i get like this. mom’s homemade chicken soup. so cliche. but it works. feeling a little bit better.
i can’t wait to be done with this and back in my normal life.
ADDENDUM
(photo CC-BY-SA from Flickr by 80sAustin)
I spent an hour+ meditating, which helped. I don’t really understand why it works, but it does. It calms me down. Gives me a structure to feel my emotions, cry where needed, etc.
Then, as per O’s suggestion (re: my observation) I took the novelty approach, and walked somewhere I had never walked before. Kind of. I walked down the Marquam Trail towards downtown. We used to walk down this trail when I was little, and I used to run it in high school, but I haven’t walked it in at least 10 years. The trees were so huge… It was amazing to be in the woods right in the middle of the city. I grew up in it, but I clearly had forgotten. It is nothing like Central or Prospect park, which are so manicured. And also so full of people. I didn’t see anyone the whole time. Though I heard a little brook gurgle. And lots of birds.
When i got to the bottom, I called my mother for a ride back up the hill.
Walking down was hard, physically. Which was emotionally invigorating. But also broke me down enough that I had to stop several times to cry. I wonder if I am reverting to the state I was in when I first found out and all I did was cry. I would sit down on the subway, and just start crying. I hope not. At least I can cound on the Interferon to blunt all emotion.  I know, I know, that is a totally fucked up concept.
When was the first time you heard from the “O”? Was this it or something else? Maybe learning to meditate and be in tune with messages from/to yourself like this is one of the silver linings to this whole process.
Marquam looks/sounds like a beautiful trail. I’d like to walk down the trail there one day. Definitely seems better to be crying on a trail as opposed to on the subway.
Six months passes quickly on drugs/off drugs, in sickness/health, when you’re content or anxious. Sometimes it’s helpful to think long-term. Sometimes it’s just enough to think about the next five minutes.
I find crying really calming, sometimes I think its our bodies way of cleansing us from all the emotion we aren’t able to handle, it has to come out somehow. . .
I miss the unmanicured parks, more then just about anything. The woods are healing, I am glad you got out into them.