Tag: tired

The slow lane

in high school i liked to drive cars really fast.  when i came home from college and i was not used to driving, i learned to enjoy going slow.  really slow.  sometimes i would go extra slow to piss of people behind me who seemed like they were in too much of a rush.  now, i am learning to enjoy walking slow.  because i am often stuck walking slowly home from the subway.

today i was walking home from the subway and there was another (young) woman who was walking as slow as i was.  there were several awkward moments where i was about to pass her, then she was about to pass me.  we were very conscious of each other, b/c we we were both walking *so* slow.  i couldn’t take it anymore, and i walked even slower, and let her move ahead.

Managing the side effects, managing the heat

S and i went to the coop yesterday.  it was EPIC.  an official record: $346.24. it was so hard(core), I almost started crying towards the end.  we got three watermelons! (watermelon is the only thing i can consistently eat everytime.)  i was totally exhausted.  i just sat down in front of the CLIF bars and tried really hard to breathe.  i was actually, kind-of, meditating in the Park Slope Food Co-op. Really.  S sat down next to me.  and we just sat for a minute or so.  while the craziness of the co-op went on around us.

today & yesterday I am doing better.  maybe it was because I didn’t try to work yesterday.  i stayed home and read in bed. (and went to the coop.)  also, it was much cooler today.  the weather has been kicking my ass so bad.  it is the worst that the NY summer can offer.  by the time I made it to the studio I was a wilted flower.

i think i can feel the good effects of coming off the drugs, but its hard to tell because the weather has also been better in the last few days, and i have pushed myself less.

That was complicated, let me try that again: When I got back to NYC the weather was so hot and humid, and my symptoms from the Interferon correspond quite perfectly to how I feel in hot and humid weather, so I was really unsure how much of what I was feeling was drugs and how much was the NYC weather.

Reality Check (first day back)

I went in to the studio today.  I was around for a little over 4 hours.  Mostly checking in with people, saying hi, writing email etc.  Between the work effort and the viciously hot-and-humid commute, it was too much.  I came home at 5PM and passed out soon after.  Its 9:30PM and I just woke up.  I’m groggy and basically need to go back to bed.

Day 20: Done Done Done

I finished my high dose IV Interferon today.  It was emotionally great.  Now I’m trying to finish packing my bags.  My parents have been doing most of it.  I’m at the threshold of tears because it seems so overwhelming.  And I’m just trying to pack my carry on.  Its 11am and I have a 6am flight.

I know I’m really happy to be done, but right now I feel so tired.

Its going to be a long day getting back in NYC.

Reiki & Anticipation

A famly friend was over, with her whole family (dog included.)  Her new sister in law is a Reiki practitioner.  (I think I mentioned the wedding a few weeks ago)  So she did some work on me.  A lot of it was similar to what my massage person has done.  Certain ways of holding and touching the feet and ankles, holding & rubbing the belly.  By the time she was done, I was so deeply relaxed I fell asleep for 3 hours.

I guess the idea is that the chi is blocked and the Reiki helps unblock the chi.  So it leads to a quickening of the healing process.  I don’t know whether it was just psychosomatic, but I was very relaxed from it.  Its hard to say.

Not so relaxed now, though.  Sunday night is such an emotionally turbulent time for me.  Tomorrow I will hopefully start the final week of the treatment.  I hope I clear the liver test.  I haven’t taken any Tylenol for two weeks, so that is not a factor.  I feel pretty good; I mean *right now* I have a pit in my stomach and have been crying off and on, but before I started thinking about the blood tests tomorrow, I was felling pretty good.

N.B. I noticed that I had a montly archive on the side of the blog.  It shocked me to realize that I had been here for so long. It has been five weeks, going on the sixth.

Day 15: Week 3 done

That’s about the most important thing today.  Week three is done.  And I kicked its ass.

I’m pretty tired right now, but a lot of that has to do with all of the excitement from my many visitors, and all of the exciting things we have done.

The pizza party was awesome.  Our hike was really aggressive.  All the way from the bottom of the marquam trail to Council Crest (elevation 1,100 ft), and then back down to my parents house on Sherwood (elevation 600ft).

And today we went out for really nice dinner.  P picked it.

I was freaking out on the way there.  Just an exhaustion/hunger/panic episode.  Tired, and claustrophic in the car.  Everyone was loud and boisterous, and my mom was getting lost, and driving erratically.  I was crying quietly for the last 5 minutes.  And when we finally got there, i just got out of the car at a stop sign, saying “i need to get out”  and walked into an empty field/lot.  I sat down and cried and then meditated.  And then did childs pose.  It calmed me down a bit.

I had to go out again towards the end of dinner because I was so tired I was getting to the point where I couldn’t take it.  So I went out there and did a little sit.  P sat with me for a little bit.  It was nice.  The sun was setting right into our closed eyes.

anticipatory despondency (sp?)

ive been totally despondent all day.  i have no energy, and no appetite.  its like i’ve already restarted the Interferon.  Like this is some kind of psychosomatic preview.  I have shuffled around the house trying to figure out what i can bare eating.

i cried hard today.  for the first time in a long time.

i realized that i’ve been here in portland for a month.  time just slips by when you are sick.  such a strange thing.  i’ve never experienced this until the last 6 months.  Its been six months!  half a year already.  that is so amazing.  so awful (& awe-ful.)

writing it down helps get it out and away.

my parents dont know what to do w/ me.  they keep suggesting these things to do.  go to Multnomah Falls.  go for a bike ride.  go for a walk.  but i feel so awful.  i know that getting out and doing something will probably make me feel better.  but the thought of it also makes me totally revolted.  what a mess

its going to suck again, but i can’t wait for the Interferon on monday, so i can just get this over with

my mom brought me some chicken soup, which seems to be the only thing i can eat when i get like this.  mom’s homemade chicken soup.  so cliche.  but it works.  feeling a little bit better.

i can’t wait to be done with this and back in my normal life.

ADDENDUM

(photo CC-BY-SA from Flickr by 80sAustin)

I spent an hour+ meditating, which helped.  I don’t really understand why it works, but it does.  It calms me down.  Gives me a structure to feel my emotions, cry where needed, etc.

Then, as per O’s suggestion (re: my observation) I took the novelty approach, and walked somewhere I had never walked before.  Kind of.  I walked down the Marquam Trail towards downtown.  We used to walk down this trail when I was little, and I used to run it in high school, but I haven’t walked it in at least 10 years.  The trees were so huge…  It was amazing to be in the woods right in the middle of the city.  I grew up in it, but I clearly had forgotten.  It is nothing like Central or Prospect park, which are so manicured.  And also so full of people.  I didn’t see anyone the whole time.  Though I heard a little brook gurgle.  And lots of birds.

When i got to the bottom, I called my mother for a ride back up the hill.

Walking down was hard, physically.  Which was emotionally invigorating.  But also broke me down enough that I had to stop several times to cry.  I wonder if I am reverting to the state I was in when I first found out and all I did was cry.  I would sit down on the subway, and just start crying.  I hope not.  At least I can cound on the Interferon to blunt all emotion.   I know, I know, that is a totally fucked up concept.

104, but thankfully that’s not my fever

it was so hot here in portland this weekend.  104 degrees yesterday.  something a little less today, but with nasty humidity.  If feels like a rainforest.

i keep having to lie down with an icepack on my chest.  a big icepack.  it takes the edge off for a bit, but then i’m hot and sweating again.   my mouth is all parched and cottonmouthey.  no matter how much water i drink.

and this is *with* air conditioning.  i can’t even imagine what this would be like in nyc with my wall AC.  wow.

Chemo day 6

Chemo today was easy.  And i’m doing okay w/ side effects.  (None so far besides fatigue)  I didn’t get as tired as I have been.  Many yawns, but that is it.  I find that eating helps me stay awake, and I have found a few things I can reliably eat.  Salad, pasta salad, water, bread.

I’m getting good at showing up, getting plugged in, and then falling asleep while the IV fluids and Interferon drip into me.  It does not scare me anymore.

They drew my blood and did the tests on it.  My liver function is high, and my white blood cells are low, but this is expected.  I’ve got 20% more to go before they have to cut the dose.  But my immune system is close to being compromised.  They used the word Neutropenic (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neutropenia).  I’m not there yet, but that is the risk.

I kind of have a little crush on the nurse that does my chemo.  Not a real crush.  More like a nurse crush.  Like a “You just stuck a needle in my arm” crush.  Its tiny, and by saying it, I either risk killing it all together, or getting it blown out of proportion!  LOL.